In my attempt to keep my own word to myself and never return to a place like the crazy ward again, this is the beginning of the story of my recovery.
It is April 11, 2016 and I have successfully been assessed and registered for a recovery program pretty close to my house. My heart has been racing for a solid 5 hours now in anticipation for this. I am no good navigating life on my own. I worry about getting lost. I worry about being late, or too early. I worry about what to fill silences with when there’s nobody around. I worry that I won’t do things right. I worry.
A counselor just came and gave me the rundown of the program. My heart has slowed a bit. It has been brought to my attention that once a month we work with horses….I may cry with joy right now. There is only one other person here right now, as we wait for 6:00 pm. Oh, wait, she just left again. Silence. I should have brought my headphones in. This building is a maze or I would go back out to the car. If I did that though, I know I would be spending the rest of the evening trying to find my way back to this couch. A nice older gentleman just came in and happily introduced himself. Serious handshake. I bet he’s a hard worker. The other girl is back. Sounds like it’s time to get started. Here’s to not throwing up because of this damn anxiety.
I am at the halfway mark of tonights group. There is a 15 minute break now and since I am suddenly craving a cigarette, which I haven’t craved in years, I decided to share how I feel about this so far instead of going outside with the others. These people seem to know where I am coming from. So many similarities. They are open, welcoming, kind, and nonjudgmental. They are so open and honest, that sometimes they lovingly call each other out on things, in a helping way. Being so open and honest in front of people is going to be a challenge. I am ashamed of so many parts of me. I do feel oddly comfortable around them though, and it brings me a little bit of peace.
Now I am home, processing the reality of all of this. This is going to be a big challenge for me. There is a lot that I will have to own, a lot that I will have to be completely honest about, and a lot that I will most likely learn about myself. This scares the shit outta me. Once you start pulling at that thread, it’s frightening to think of what could be revealed. I am sure that, in the end, this will all be for the best. Right now that is hard to see. We had to borrow money from my mom to pay for it so right now I just feel like a huge burden. Again. Everyone keeps telling me that I’m not. Everyone keeps saying it…..
The assignment for the week is to focus on gratitude and practice positive self talk.
Today I am grateful for the energy and love I feel from everyone supporting me. I am grateful for financial help from my mom, even though it pained me to have to ask her.
My positive self talk today??? The only thing I can muster is, I’m trying.
Emotional exhaustion has it’s hold on me now, and I am surrendering. Good night.