On edge


Well, I’m deeply concerned. My husband said this short fuse may be a phase. He mentioned he went through something similar. I hope so. It may be that I just need to re-learn how to have patience without some sort of depressant in my system. There are so many things I am having to re-learn, soberly. It’l like learning how to walk again. I’m taking a breath now, centering myself, and being mindful of the challenge I face today. A sober weekend. My back, knee, and feet are killing me because of the incredibly physical week I had at work and since I can’t take 10 shots to help that. I’ve taken some meds for the pain and once it kicks in, I will start on the list of things I’ve made to keep my body and mind busy. My guess is that I will be going through a lot of tea today.

My oldest came, literally hopping, into the house this morning. He turfed it pretty hard on his foot skateboarding. I saw the video and it made my stomach turn a bit. It looked broken to me so I took him to get an x-ray. Let me say, if I haven’t already, that it has been almost a decade since I have entered a doctors office soberly. I don’t like them. I don’t trust most of them, and I always feel like going creates a bigger pain in the ass than it’s worth. So sitting waiting for over an hour was killing me. I focussed on talking with my boy, which was nice because he is hardly ever home. They took him for the x-ray, and the genius tech didn’t x-ray the obvious protrusion on my sons left foot. He took x-rays of the opposite side and the bottom. It took everything I had to not say some smart ass comment when we went back for a second set of x-rays. So many words I had to swallow deep down. I did remind my son as the tech took him in to be sure to point right at the spot he needs looked at. I couldn’t believe it. I am shaking my head as I’m writing this.

After finally getting the correct part of the foot x-rayed, it was determined that it had a hairline fracture. They splinted it and gave him some pain meds and told him to come see a sports injury specialist on Tuesday to see if they want to cast it or just put him in a boot. The boys life will be void of skating for 6 weeks and he is on crutches for the first few days. True to his form, as soon as my dad brought out some crutches, he was off to hang out with his friends and will be going to work tomorrow. I see so much of me in him in so many ways, and that scares the hell out of me.

After the doctors office and two more cups of decaf, I am starting to work on the garage. There is a mountain out there made up of things I have brought from Nana’s house and haven’t had the energy, mentally, to go through it all. I know I am at a vulnerable spot right now so it may not be the smartest thing to conquer, but I am hopeful it will be like this writing has been, healing. I will work on it for about an hour, and then give myself a break to change my focus. Still hopeful.

Tonight we were invited to the home of a couple of our best friends for dinner. We left my youngest and his cousin to have a boys night with treats, movies, and pizza so we could go have some grown-up time. I love going over there.

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