Today has been the hardest day to date. We had some things that happened in the middle of the night involving my oldest and it will require months and months of dealing with the different consequences of his one dumb choice. I kept opening his door throughout the night to make sure he hadn’t taken a page from his mom’s book. He was still breathing, thank the Universe.
The more and more I am thinking and remembering who I’ve been over the span of my oldest’s lifetime, the more I am realizing how little of it was spent sober. 4 years, at the most. No wonder he has the idea that you can abuse a substance and get away with it. I was such a functional person after 6 or 7 shots. I drove them where they needed to be, I went to parent teacher conferences, I shopped, I cooked, I played with them when they were young and I helped them with homework. All with a drink in my hand. Family functions? Not without a handful of shots and a couple cocktails, and one to bring and hide in the car or bag so I could sneak a drink or two mid-event. I have been the worst role model a kid could ask for. I am grateful my youngest has Dave to step in and be what I haven’t been for so long, and I am so thankful my oldest has his father to stay with for a while, to have a better influence. There is no part of me that doesn’t hurt for the years I’ve wasted. All in the name of masking the parts of me I didn’t want to deal with. This road is not fun. What I wouldn’t give for some of that numbness right now.
As the day progresses, all I want to do is curl up under a blanket, cry, and drink…..more damn tea, I guess.