Boundaries

5/12/16

This day started out pretty stressful and full of anxiety. Work was crazy but the anxiety came mostly from having to go to court with my son. We did receive the best possible outcome of the situation and we are all so grateful for that. It felt good to be done with that part, I think we were all holding our breath for it.

Group tonight was super interesting and eye opening. We talked a lot about setting boundaries. About the fact that setting boundaries for ourselves is actually a very thoughtful thing to do for others. It leaves out all the guess work and lets people know where you stand. How they choose to react to your boundaries is their decision, it is something they need to own. We talked about how when we set those boundaries we need to recognize and be ok with how the others will react to those. Allow them to react how they will and don’t take on their feelings. One of the biggest things, and one of the hardest things, is not bending once you have set them. As I was listening about ways to set boundaries I thought it sounded a lot like parenting in a way. When I set expectations, limits, and rules for my children and let them know the consequences if they choose to ignore them, I have to follow through with those consequences or they would continue to break them. They wouldn’t take me seriously. When I set all those rules etc. I also need to be prepared to deal with what they choose. It’s hard to hold children to your rules and standards when they are sad, angry or crying. This is the same when dealing with people in my life I guess. It is incredibly difficult for me to do anything that isn’t in everyone else’s best interest. I am no good at setting boundaries with adults in my life. I need to work on it though. Kindly let people know what I need and, as our counselor said regarding not focussing on others reactions/actions, I need to tell myself that how people respond is their deal. It’s their decision and what they think of me and what I’m doing is honestly none of my business.

We also talked about not taking on others feelings, not trying to fix everyone else’s problems. We may have the best of intentions jumping in, but what we are really saying to the other person is that we don’t think they can do it themselves. This hit me hard as I am one that very often, when I hear friends and loved ones having hard times, I do jump in and try very hard to help, to fix it. Not once have I done this thinking the other cannot do it or isn’t capable of taking care of themselves, but as I was listening to our counselor, I could see how people could take it that way. I truly am sorry for any times I may have made someone feel like I didn’t have faith in them. This is something I will need to really keep check on and try just to be a solid support for my loved ones, not their fix it girl.

3 comments

  1. It’s funny, when you care so much about your loved ones, and people around you, how you would do anything for them. Not always necessarily fixing them; but, taking on their issues with them. It’s the caring nature in you, as I see in myself. But, then realizing sometimes it’s not doing you any good to take on everyone’s issues when you’ve got plenty of your own to deal with. How to make sure they know you care, and are there for them, while making sure you are there for yourself first. We have to love ourselves, and take care of ourselves, first & foremost!

  2. I love that you have put this into words and onto a page. Do You! Love You! Take care of you! Everything else will fall into place. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. It is very brave. You have a great gift with words. I love you!

  3. I am so happy to see these words written and on a page. They are more concrete that way. You have a great talent in writing. Do you! Love you! Take care of you! Everything else will fall into place. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable self. Everyone keeps saying it is brave because it is. Believe it. I love you.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *