No group yesterday and for the first time, it felt a little easier to make it through my day. It helped that work was non stop and so was my evening. Going with the family to dinner with Dave’s parents which is always fun, and watching a movie when we got home. My day was full. Today being Saturday, my goal is to fill it as well, idle time is still very dangerous. It is getting easier with the little tricks I have picked up. If my mind wonders too far into the past or too far into the future, I am literally flicking myself and coming back into the now, being mindful of what I am doing now. I am also flicking myself if negative thoughts, or thoughts that are focussed on others actions try to take over my mind, time and energy. These are all wastes. I deserve spending my energy on me and what I am doing.
I keep saying I will get this blog live, I have faith it will actually happen today. I am also going to Life Ring this morning. The people in my group really enjoy it and it will be a good way to spend a couple hours.
After a solid hour of coming up with excuses not to go to Life Ring, I received a text from a fellow group member making sure I was still planning on it. That push was just what I needed to get out the door and I am so grateful for it. I got to see a few people that had graduated from my recovery group a couple weeks ago. It was so nice to see them and hear that they are still truckin’ on in their recovery. We went to lunch after the meeting. I have been hesitant to pursue friendships with the people in my groups outside of the meetings, mainly because I wasn’t sure if the bond we have made would survive the real world. I was so glad that I went out with them today. It is nice to talk to all of them. They are great people.
After going to the meeting and lunch I dove into my room. There was at least three months worth of layers on every horizontal surface and my closet had turned into a black whole in which I figured there was a chance I’d never return from. I even went through my clothes, finally surrendering items there was no way I would fit into in the near future. Promising myself with every discarded, well loved piece, that I would treat myself to new beauties with every ten pounds lost. Going through my drawers, I was startled to see yet another empty bottle I had hidden. For a split second, I wished with all my being, it wouldn’t be empty. When I realized it was, it felt like something sunk inside me. I can’t explain it perfectly, but it wasn’t a happy feeling. Amazing how quickly and easily the sight of a bottle in my hand can take me from hopeful and positive, to bitter and frustrated. It took a while, and a lot of flicking myself, to pull me out of that. I was suddenly super irritated at the 3rd cup of ‘replacement coffee’ in my hand. I wanted it to be a cocktail so badly. I just kept thinking about how good the meeting was today, how great it was to see everyone working so hard on their sobriety. I thought of what I was accomplishing at that moment. I flicked myself hart with the elastic bracelet around my wrist any time the regret of going into the hospital entered my mind. I cannot waste my time thinking of how differently I could have handled that Friday morning. It took a few hours, but I was able to pull myself out of it for the most part. Constant vigilance. My new norm.
My youngest and I went over to our good friends house last night to get our zombie fix. Spending time with those folks is one of my favorite things. I am incredibly grateful for their friendship and love. I am also immensely grateful that my boy still loves to hang out with me. It is good I am being able to soberly make the most out of these times. I know they will not last much longer.