Keep Busy, Stay Sober

Friday was crazy busy at work, which I like for the most part. I always feel very accomplished when I have those days. I am a bit behind because of how crazy it was, but I will get ahold of things tomorrow morning, with my hopefully realistic list. There are multiple times in any given day at work I stop just to notice my gratitude for landing that job. My team members are the best, I get to work with one of my very best friends, and I feel good about the work I do. This is one place in my life I feel I am somewhat succeeding. Everyone I work with is so encouraging and supportive, and very open with their praise. It is such a blessing for me to be there.

Saturday was a whirlwind. I picked up some overtime to go help set up for a charity run a bunch of people from work did. We have something called a compassion fund, where everyone in the company has the opportunity to add to throughout the year. It is meant to help out, anonymously, anyone who may fall on hard times. They can ask for some of the money that is constantly raised. It’s like having a huge group of friends willing to spot you until you can get back on your feet. This run was to help add to that fund. It was 56 degrees, pouring rain, windy, and a ton of fun. We were all dripping wet, freezing, and laughing. People who run always impress me. The only way you will catch me running is if there are zombies chasing me. The weather, in it’s magical irony, stopped it’s raining almost exactly the time the last runner crossed the finish line. Comical.

From there, I went, sopping, to the meeting I have found downtown on Saturdays. It is always good to see the folks I see there. This week was hard to hear about everyones personal turmoil. I am getting better about how I react to these heartbreaking stories though. My thoughts don’t directly go to how I can help fix things for them. I also am getting better at not dwelling in how badly I feel for them. I don’t want this to sound like I don’t care as much, because I care a great deal about these folks and to hear what they are going through is truly heart wrenching. I wish with all of my whole being, that I could make it all better, but I am not dwelling on that. I’m not ‘taking it home’ with me. These are wasted moments as I know these are situations they have to learn how to deal with. I have faith that they will, and they will be stronger because of it. Like I heard a few weeks ago, when you assume everyone is doing their best, it is easier to live your life with joy. A bunch of us went out to lunch again afterwords. I am grateful for the friendships I am building in these groups. As strange as it is to be sitting around a table full of addicts, discussing coping mechanisms, swapping meeting stories, and laughing at how strange different activities are sober. I never thought I’d be somewhere like this, sometimes it’s like a movie. But I am starting to really like this movie I’m in. The cravings are still super strong, I had to get a fruity drink yesterday quickly, to taste something other than coffee, tea and water, before it was too late. That craving came on fast and hard. I am guessing these will never stop, they will just become more and more manageable. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

My mom and dad came out and took us to dinner, it is always nice to spend time with them. It still amazes me how loving and supportive they still are to me after all I have put them through. Not sure why I can’t not be surprised, I would be the same to either of my kids. I think it’s that I still have a hard time accepting the fact that others think I’m an ok person. My self esteem still has a lot of work left to do on it. I’ll get there.

Today is Sunday and it is still nice and cloudy outside. My list of things to do today is realistic I think. Get this blog up, for real this time, clean up the family and living rooms, and work on some art. It’s only 7:30 now, so I have the whole day to accomplish these tasks. Our house is filled with non-alcoholic yummy drinks that I will need today. Gloomy Sunday mornings make me smile and want to have a drink. Focus and distraction will be my best friends today.

We went for a walk to Porcupine to meet a dear friend we hadn’t seen in quite a while. I always love spending time with him and we have all been so busy lately, it’s been hard to find it. It’s been so long since I’ve seen a lot of my friends. I miss them all dearly and there is a huge part of me that fears they won’t want to see me. I am afraid they feel abandoned. I have just had to spend so much of my energy surviving, I haven’t had much to spare.

3 comments

  1. Jen~
    I read every one of your entries with sadness and heartache for you, but with awe as well. I have always thought you a kind, compassionate, beautiful and generous person but can now add – amazing, courageous, tough, and strong. It takes a lot to put yourself out there, but so many people will grow and better their lives from your story. It touched me in so many ways. I learned so much by reading them, the biggest being, you really have no idea the path each person is on and how they are making it on their path.

    I would love to hike, walk, or drink coffee with you anytime! And as Dori in Nemo says, “Just keep swimming…”

  2. Jen, you are amazing. The fact that you’re taking steps for you is awesome and I know you can do anything you put your mind to! If through all this I could wish one thing for you, is to see you as others do. Your strength in your lows is inspiring! You’ve got this woman!

  3. I loved spending that lunch with you and Dave as well. I had no appetite, was clammy, and my hands were shaking so bad. Did you notice I didn’t eat many of the nachos? I didn’t want you to notice. I needed to see you and Dave that day. Afterward I went home and was able to have a more relaxed afternoon with a Cooper dog hike and swim.
    Thank you so much.

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