Last night turned out to be an incredibly needed experience for me. It was the first time I had done art therapy with this group and I didn’t know what to expect exactly, I was just excited to be doing art. Since I have gotten out of the hospital I have thought so much about pieces of art I have wanted to do or ones I have wanted to finish. I’ve written ‘art’ down about 75 times on different ‘to do’ lists, bought new supplies, and even started a couple little things. But that fear of not being able to make something beautiful, unique or creative without having a few drinks first, and a few drinks close at hand while creating, has overcome me at every attempt. I needed some help getting started again and last night worked perfectly. Our therapist had us do something called scribble art, where you let yourself randomly scribble on a piece of paper then hold it at arms length, rotating it until you see an image or scene and then you begin coloring it in so others get an idea of what you see. As soon as I began the project, surrounded by people who, for whatever reason, were also trepidatious, I felt comfortable and creative. Everyone seemed to feel that way. A bunch of adult addicts, immersed in coloring. I loved it so much. It really was the kick in the painters pants that I needed and I am truly grateful for that. This weekend, I will devote some serious time into reacquainting myself with my art supplies.
Today was a therapy day for me and it was a great session. This is still so new to me but I am comfortable with her and she is really good at keeping me completely authentic with myself. One of the things we discussed was how I still feel a bit like I’m being treated like a child in different ways but how I feel I am still needing it right now. I am definitely working hard in a very grown up way right now, but the door behind me has been left wide open and I am still very close to it. It would be all too easy to turn around and walk back into the dark room I have spent so many years in. So it is good that people are watching me, it’s one of the reasons I shared this, so I couldn’t fool anyone any more. I am so grateful I have found a therapist that I am so comfortable around. In this short time, I have shared countless things with her and it has been truly amazing how good I feel after each time seeing her.
Tonight there were two of our group members that graduated, or ‘coined on.’ They both started about a week before me so I have had the privilege of watching them grow in so many ways, it’s been incredible to be part of it. I truly hope we keep seeing each other in after care and the weekend meetings downtown. I am so grateful for all they have taught me and what an inspiration they have been. I will miss them.
With everyone who was there when I started now gone, my mind has started to race to the day that I will be done. This thought is both exciting and terrifying. Being sober in the real world, I’m sure I have said before, will be very different than being sober in a program that randomly gives you UA tests. This is going to be a difficult, interesting trail I have chosen to maintain. I have to keep flicking myself to stay in this moment right now. Fixating on the coming weeks too much is a waste of time, and it is beginning to give me anxiety.