This week has been a rough one, emotionally, and yesterday it seemed to hit a peak. I was so grateful to have an incredibly busy day at work to keep me focussed on something other than my attempt at reigning in the bucking broncos in my mind. I finally got into a doctor earlier this week to work on getting the right meds and he upped my anti-depressant dosage. I can feel it trying to stabilize and it is hard to keep hold of what little control I have right now. Not sure if I will ever get comfortable with my spot in this world of the medicated. I also expressed to the doctor my concern about my anxiety attacks. I have been doing everything I can to try and quiet them, which has helped a bit, but they are still so powerful and exhausting. I need to give myself a little help. He gave me 20 anti anxiety pills and stressed they should last me three months. His concern was not to simply replace the alcohol addiction with pill addiction. I told him how grateful I was that he wasn’t willing to give me that opportunity, because I think I would take it and run with it. The fact that I have been having super strong cravings for cigarettes on top of the alcohol, tells me it could be pretty easy for me to pick up a new habit.

The cravings for anything, smoking, weed, liquor, have hit pretty hard over the last few days. Unfortunately for my waistline, ice cream and candy have been an amazing substitute. I am currently making a shopping list full of healthy snacking options…..optimism. I am positive I am not alone in the ‘diet starts Monday’ mentality and I am fully aware of the success rate of such thinking, but, the diet starts Monday.