Today has been a particularly rough one. It’s a Sunday evening, we have had some thunderstorms and all I have wanted to do is sit outside with a cocktail. I can taste the vodka and it’s super irritating. It’s a good thing it’s Sunday. This is one of the few times I’ve found myself happy for the silly liquor laws in this state. I guess the next step is to keep myself as busy this evening as I have this morning and afternoon. I have started and finished two pieces of art and done the grocery shopping. There is plenty to clean in this house so finding things to do will be easy…..and FUN!!! Or, maybe I’ll just keep painting.
I am being taught an instant lesson in complaining. About an hour after I bitched about my cravings and housework, I began barfing….a lot. Every half and hour, like clockwork, for about 8 hours. This flu came to kindly remind me that healthy, sober, housework is something to be grateful for, not complain about. Thank you Universe, I get it. It’s a new feeling to be ‘actually’ sick. I don’t have to wonder if it’s just a hangover or a hangover with a bit of the flu thrown in. This is also helping me through the holiday by keeping my mind off the possibility of having a drink. I am grateful for it. Also, I’m pretty sure I did a full body workout throughout the night, which I am also grateful for. I am having to focus on this gratitude to keep the anxiety down. I started panicking about ridiculous things laying in bed. What if I can’t make it to my dentist appointment Tuesday? What if I have to miss work? I couldn’t take my anti-depressant last night so I’m worrying about what changes that will make in my mood. These are the things that, when allowed to spiral, can whisk me straight to the ‘this is a heart attack, I know this is a heart attack’ zone. There is a playlist I have found that’s called ‘massage playlist’ and it helped me a ton last night. Mindfulness has been an incredibly helpful practice, as difficult as it has been at times to achieve. The whole ‘practice makes perfect’ thing seems to be real with this particular exercise. Each time I put real effort into it, it gets a little easier. That playlist, paired with my efforts to be completely in that moment instead of the future, saved me last night. I am grateful for the tools I have been learning from my program and therapy.
If my body permits, I will tidy the house and work on some more art. Escaping into a creation is one of the best feelings. Here’s to being able to clean and paint. They will both be done with gratitude in my heart. Happy Memorial Day all!