What condition my condition is in at 100 days sober.

Well, bust out the bubbly…..apple cider….this girl just hit the 100 days sober mark! For 100, I dare say we up the wow factor and splurge for the good stuff. Martinelli’s. This is officially the longest completely dry run I have had in 14 years. I am a little frustrated that I haven’t lost more weight, but then when I start thinking about it, I’m not at all surprised. Apparently if you replace boozy calories with candy and ice cream calories, you still pack on the pounds. Biology is lame. I realize that I am now attempting to silence the uncomfortable insecurities I have by literally stuffing them full of crap, instead of drowning them. The longer I am sober, the more I realize how truly uncomfortable I am in my own skin. My body image has never been top notch and it is frustrating that those feelings haven’t just gone away with age. I always had the hope that when I grew up, I wouldn’t feel this distain for my reflection, but I guess it’s gonna take some work on my part now that I’ve taken the ‘beer goggles’ off.

For years, as a young women, I threw up every meal I could. The times I couldn’t find a way to sneak away after eating were the worst. I would just sit in anguish, consumed with thoughts of how many pounds that food would add to my already fat self. To this day, after a large meal, or an indulgent dessert, my mind goes directly to getting it out. So much so, that my body begins to react and will feel like I need to throw up. Obviously that isn’t the type of solution I need in my life. It’s not a solution anyone needs. I will need to start treating treats in much the same manner I treat booze now. I believe strongly that becoming addicted to food is just as easy as becoming addicted to a substance such as alcohol, and I believe that in many ways, it can be just as detrimental, both physically and mentally. This week, my goal will be to start directing part of my energy toward improving my physical health, in hopes that I will help improve the opinion I have of myself currently. I will get back into my positive self talk, start cutting way back on treats, and do a lot more exercising. If I can cut out drinking, I can cut out Twinkies…….wait, maybe not Twinkies……nope, I have to cut out the Twinkies. When I’m winded going up a flight of stairs, the Twinkies have got to go. I can do this.

While I am cutting out the junk in my diet, I have decided I may as well cut out the junk in my digital world. I’ll begin with Pinterest. This wealth of other people’s knowledge, ideas, creations and tips that I have been selectively plucking from, filling up my ‘I’m totally going to do this!’ bucket, which has unfortunately now turned into a bottomless ‘Someday’ bucket and a cruel reminder of how much I want to do, how little time I have to do them, and how little I end up actually doing. I have been setting myself up for failure with the help of Pinterest, for years now. It’s overwhelming the number of things I have pinned, not to mention how ridiculous some of them are. It’s comical really to look through my boards. Really, what world was I living in when I saw this peeptreeand thought, “A tree made out of Peeps?!?!? That’s a decoration I need to make this Easter…..in my house full of dogs. They will totally leave that alone while I’m at work all day. This is a great idea!” And how much had a drank when I pinned all those ‘running for beginners’ workouts? I absolutely hate running. The only reason you would ever find me running is if I were escaping death by zombies, or a country run by Donald Trump, otherwise, a brisk walk is more than sufficient. So today, I will widdle my pins down from the oppressive jungle I have allowed them to become, to a manageable, and useful, toothpick. Then, every time I open it to browse, I won’t feel so disappointed in myself. I realize some of you are probably wondering why I don’t just get rid of it all together. The truth is, I like the mindless scrolling sometimes, and there really are great ideas on it. Just like everything else, I need to work at managing it better. The list of digital purging is long; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Watch lists on Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon. Not to mention all of books I have in my Audible que. This will feel good to clean house, one platform at a time.

So, here’s to sobriety, health, learning to smile at my reflection a little bit more, and clearing out the digital clutter, because, life. Love and hugs to you all!!! I hope whatever potholes you may encounter this week, don’t blow out all your tires. If they do, know that I am here to help put the new ones on.

Here is the finished trio of watercolors I finished this week.

SeaFriends

 

 

3 comments

  1. So, so, so proud of you Jenny—what an accomplishment 😊‼️What great strength you have—I wish I had one tenth of it!!!!!!! Love you❣❣❣❣❣❣

  2. Beautiful art and beautiful words! I sure could use some cleaning up in my life- physically and digitally (just to name a few). Thanks for your inspiring words! Love you😘

  3. I love this. I love your totally real and awesome self. You are beautiful. I think sadly all women feel the same way about their reflection except on those random supper skinny days when you’ve had the flu for a week. I fully agree with what you said and sugar food and addiction. I fully admit I have a problem with sugar. I have given it up for a couple weeks here and there at which time I feel great and empowered. Ultimately some excuse related to travel or special occasion disrupts this and it’s a dismal cycle right back to eating 3 or more treats a day. Moderation is my favorite idea lol but seems to be ultimately the way back to my addiction. Its a work in progress. Anyway im so proud of you Jen. I am happy to see you pushing through. Addiction is no joke. But you have a passion and a strength that can overcome all things you put them towards including your physical health. I love fitness walking. Believe it or not I do walking dvds at home. It sounds crazy but it works. Check out leslie sansone dvds. That and yoga or pilates. I too despise running or crazy intense exercise. Those two things work for well for my body and help me mentally to feel great. Even when I don’t lose a dang pound for two weeks I feel stronger and healthier and more equipped to deal with life. I love you. I’m here even if there is a giant pond between us.

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