The last couple weeks have been incredibly difficult to maneuver through. Every time I feel like my feet are planted firmly, a huge wave of depression comes and sucks the sand out from underneath me, sending me tumbling into a washing machine of anxiety and despair. It has been incredibly frustrating. I miss the speed and ease of my liquid numbness so much. Hiding this sadness is once again becoming more and more draining. My struggles have got to be getting old for the people around me. As I’m writing this, I hear what it is. It’s me making up stories. Assuming everyone is tired of my mess. Assuming everyone figures I should be ‘fixed’ by now. I also realize this is a projection of my own feelings onto others. I am tired of my mess. I feel like I should be ‘fixed’ by now. I was reminded by my therapist of post acute withdrawal syndrome and it helped a bit, explaining somewhat, why I am feeling what I am feeling. There have actually been times in the last little bit that my body has physically been showing signs of withdrawal as well as my mind. My only option still, is forward now, so I better get off my ass and help myself out a little bit more. Who knew I would turn out to be such a task for myself.
At therapy, I was given a large deck of cards that had different words on them. They were words that described different values. My task was to separate them into two piles; one for the things I valued most, one for things I didn’t feel where as important to me. After the first time, my therapist took the ‘discarded’ values pile away and instructed me to do the same thing again using the pile of things I valued most. The idea was to do this again and again until my values pile was down to 10. My ten: Family, Nurture, Gratitude, Empathy, Laughter, Compassion, Imagination, Honor, Loyalty and Nature. These, out of the hundred or so cards, are what I value most. She asked me to explain why I chose each one. As I went down the list I spoke of taking care of my family, making sure they always feel nurtured and loved. I spoke of always working on being grateful for all that I have, to be truly empathetic to others, putting myself in their shoes so I can always show true compassion. I talked about how laughter, my imagination and nature are sometimes my only saviors. I talked about how strongly I feel about having my loved ones know how loyal I am to them, always. How, if I can do all of these things for the ones I hold so dear, I can perhaps feel a little bit of honor. She was quick to point out how little I spoke about making sure I felt these things. Laughter, imagination and nature were the only values I kept for myself. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I listened to her talk about how I deserved all of these things I work so hard to make sure others feel. It was an eye opening exercise to realize how little I believe that still. To actually see the list of things I need to give myself was difficult. I have my work cut out for me, but I will do what I can. I will continue to work on nurturing myself more. I will continue working to give myself some empathy and compassion. I will continue trying to be more grateful for my accomplishments and for who I am. I will continue to be loyal to myself.
Now, to make a list of ways I can accomplish these things. My hope is that the more I do this, the less I will get yanked out to sea, and the times that I do get swept away, I will at least have built up more of a life raft to help me get back to shore. I never have been a good swimmer and if this tumbling continues, I feel like I may drown.
Don’t want to leave things on that last note, so I’ll just leave this right here for you all.
Love and hugs to you all!!!