A couple of weeks ago I made the decision to take medication out of my life for a while. The initial plan was just to cut my dose in half, but thanks to the deeds of a dishonest computer, I ended up taking them out completely. I had been getting increasingly frustrated with the combination of the seemingly endless waves of depression and my constant state of exhaustion despite my best efforts to up my energy level with diet and exercise. It was like I was constantly in one of those dreams where you are half awake, trying your hardest to move, walk, lift your arm, do anything, but you can’t get anything to move at the speed you want. I have felt heavy, like walking through sand in wet clothes. Dealing with the waves of depression was getting increasingly harder because my mind seemed to be in sort of a haze. I was becoming almost complacent with the sadness again, too tired to truly deal with it. I figured if I cut the pills in half, to see if anything changed, then I could decide where to go from there. After just a couple days at half dose, I was feeling the effects. I had more energy, not feeling like I had to come home and crash after work, and I was beginning to think a little more clearly. So, when the robot called from the pharmacy telling me that my refill would be confirmed, by them, with the doctor and I could come pick it up in 24 hours, I figured I could use them to safely and slowly come off of them completely. The universe, and the robot, figured I should just cut them out right away. The Saturday I went to pick up the pills, I learned they had not contacted the doctor and there would be no way to get them until I saw the doctor the next week. By the time Monday came, I was already feeling the shitty withdrawals so I decided to inform those around me what I was dealing with, so they wouldn’t be confused by any strange actions and so they could tell me if they saw any red flags, and muscle through.
The next four days were rough. There were so many times that the cravings for something strong to quiet the anxiety, sweats, skin irritations, racing/jumbled mind were a bit overwhelming. By Thursday, I started to come out of the fog. I felt lighter, more energized, and able to think again. Since then, it’s only gotten better. Except for the anxiety. The anxiety is slapping me in the face multiple times a day. My mind and I are still trying to figure out how to deal with that devil truly sober. Since the hospital, I haven’t been 100% ‘clear’ because of the meds. It will take time. The waves of depression are still hitting me, but I am able to more clearly work through them. Telling my therapist about the way I came off the meds gave me a little pause. It wasn’t exactly the recommended way to do it, but she was incredibly supportive and encouraging. She pointed out that sometimes the brain just needs a little jolt to bump it up to a level where managing depression and anxiety is doable without assistance. She felt good about how aware I was staying and how open I was with those around me. She went as far as to say she thought I could move away from the every other week visits and transition to once a month. It felt like I had graduated a little bit. Made me feel good about how hard I have been working.
So, after jump starting my brain, I have disconnected it from it’s outside power source and am letting it run on it’s own, keeping a close eye on the dashboard for warning lights. There is still a lot of energy I am having to put into not losing control, but I was having to do that with the meds. Now, I am holding all these little pieces together with a clearer mind, and a lot more energy.
This new found energy was well spent in Jackson Hole recently, where I had the best day ever…..
Happiness, in the form of a unicorn floatie. My decision making skills are improving. Sending out love and hugs to you all!!! I hope you all find your unicorn floaties.