This is one of those posts I started writing about twelve times, just to delete it and start again. I think I have figured out why it’s been so hard to put into words what my feelings have been over the last couple weeks. When October 1st came and this milestone was reached, what seemed to fill my head was how ridiculous it was that it had only been six months, and honestly, it was a little frightening. I started really questioning myself. How am I going to successfully sustain this for the rest of my life when six short months has felt like years? That doubt jumped at me like a root out of the dirt and hooked my toes, plummeting me down a pretty gnarly hill. I’ve been grasping for strongholds to help keep from falling further, digging my feet into the ground. Some of those strongholds have presented themselves in random thoughtful messages from friends and family, just when I have needed them the most. I am so grateful for all of the amazing people that surround me. I can feel all the love and support pulling me back up to the top of the hill and I can’t quite put into words what all of your energy and love mean to me. Since I can’t find the words, I will show you my appreciation by not giving into the darkness and despair that keeps clawing it’s way into my mind, ominously speaking to me of my future. I will remind myself that yes, these are struggles that will most likely never go away. I will have to continuously work on me, on my sobriety and on how to deal with things with a clear mind for the rest of my life. And that’s ok, because I’m not alone. The rest of the world is trying to figure their shit out too, and have been for lifetimes. I just started figuring mine out a bit late, maybe. That’s ok too. This was one of the pieces I did while I was working through all of this.
My focus moving on needs to stay outside of the shadows. I will keep my head up and continue to focus on how lucky I am to be warmed by the love and support of so many. I also need to stay away from the news a bit more and replace that time with more uplifting things. I have finally gone to see a doctor about the extreme pain in my foot. Figured that breaking down in tears multiple times a week due to pain was a good sign that the time had come. After an x-ray, ultrasound, cortisone shot (which hurt so bad, it landed itself in my top five pain moments! Congrats Cortisone!) and a few tips and tricks, I am finally feeling a bit of relief. The more I actually do what the doctor suggested, the better it is doing. My hope is that soon I will be able to wake up and start my day with a pain level being around a 3 or 4 instead of an 8 or 9. When that happens, I will be able to start actually exercising again, which, paired with my meditation, should really do wonders for my anxiety.
We worked on the garage over the weekend and purged some things I’d been hanging on to, which was hard, but felt good. I will continue the difficult task of shifting my hoarder behavior and lightening my tangible load. I know that continuing to declutter my physical world, will help me declutter my mind. I feel like Dug from “UP” 80% of the time so I hope I’m right on that.
Here’s to a week full of gratitude, love and growth, for all of us! I hope, beyond hope, that you all feel how much I appreciate and love you and that I am here for you, always! May we all find a way to better our lives a little bit each day, because we all deserve it! Love you all!!!