4/12/16

Today is a lot like the day after a big workout when you have the ridiculous expectation of seeing a huge difference in the mirror when you get out of the shower, realizing that there isn’t, and further realizing you’re going to have to work out again in order to see one. I kinda have that sinking “Last night wasn’t the only thing I have to do” feeling. I am tired and sluggish. I meant to get up and go for a walk, but pulling myself out of bed was just too hard. Not sure if it’s the meds I’m on or just the fact that my body is still recovering, but it feels like I am carrying a lot of weight around with me. It’s hard to walk fast. My coworkers are such a blessing though, they always make me smile. Also, I have had years and years of pretending practice so, everything will be fine, and I will go throughout the day with a smile on my face. It will help me.

Tonight is family night at the program. I am interested to see how it goes. Dave will go with me. Today, I fear, will be a long one.

Throughout the day, I am realizing more and more the pain, both emotionally and physically, I have been masking with booze. My sadness is heavy. The back and knee problems are very apparent as well. The doctor told me no more Advil because it’s tearing up my stomach with the amount I was taking. Hopefully, the more weight I lose, the less the physical pain will be noticeable. It has been a rough day and the thought of going to the liquor store at lunch was hard to put out of my head. Hopefully tonight will help.

Tonight was interesting. The subject was about the difference between having a simple habit and being an addict. Dave and I could check off every single sign of addiction, and it was oddly comforting to know we weren’t the only ones on the planet that have been living their lives quietly ensuring we can make it through the day by using chemicals. It was a big group and there were a lot of laughs. It was good for me, though the sadness is still heavy. That’s what is so frustrating about this feeling. Even when I’m laughing and having fun, it’s a chore to fight off the feeling of despair. It is maddening. Again, it was good for me tonight. I am hoping to start getting close to the people in this program, everyone seems like old buddies. I am going to make an effort tomorrow night to become part of that.