So…..The Dentist Didn’t Kill Me

Yup, I survived the dentist. I’d like to say that I went into that office yesterday like a confident adult, but we all know that was an unlikely scenario. I did to myself what many parents do to their young children the first time they need to take a long flight. I drugged myself. Putting at ease the adult in me that didn’t want the child in me to make an embarrassing scene, and calming the frightened child in me enough to actually cross the threshold and sit in the chair. I like that I get to be the child and the adult in this relationship with myself. Part of me wonders how this dynamic will change the older I get. I’m not sure the child in me will ever grow to be an adult, or hit puberty for that matter. There is a lot about that child I don’t ever want to have grow up. Like that part that still finds joy in playing with action figures and silly putty and laughs out loud when someone farts. The sweet part that still believes that people are generally good, and that things can be made better. Parts like this of the child in me, I hope I never see grow up. But the panicked, insecure, anxious parts of this kid, I’d like to see mature a bit. Maybe start small, get a part time job, open a checking account and buy a moped or something. I feel like this work I am doing with the recovery program and therapy should help out…right?

Last night was family night at group and Dave’s parents came with. I had wanted for them to be able to be part of this as well, they have shown such an incredible amount of love, support, and help through all of this. The topic was boundaries, a favorite in that program as it turns out. For me, it was a lot of the same things I had been learning in our smaller group but still good to hear again. Boundaries are getting a tiny bit easier for me to set lately, which I hope is a good thing in the long run. Right now I just kinda feel like a bitch. The thing I have to keep reminding myself is what our counselor had told us; the people who set and stick with their boundaries, can be some of the most genuinely compassionate people you’ll know. It makes sense that if I am able to take care of myself first, I will be able to more fully help those I love. This practice, along with all the others I am working on, will take time to get used to.

Tonight was ropes course and I wasn’t all that stoked to go. All the people who were in this group when I started have now graduated and I wasn’t too sure of what the dynamic would be with these new folks. It is a small group that could not be more different than the last crew. I did have a good time working with them, there were plenty of laughs. I do think that the universe was kind to me with the group I did the majority of my recovery with. We seemed to vibe in a very unique way. I am sure with time, I would feel similar with this group, but I am grateful for the opportunity to have shared my recovery with the amazing group of people that I did. I miss seeing them every day.

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