The silver lining over the last week or so has been hard to see. Pain and frustration have been thick and I haven’t wanted to write at all. There is a pain in my side I have never felt before. After an x-ray, the doctor told me there is some sort of lump in my intestine. I have been referred to a general surgeon to take a look at that and the multiple calcified gaul stones on Monday. If it isn’t one annoyance, it’s another lately. It has taken absolutely everything I have to make it into work, recovery, and back home without running my car gracefully off the side of the road, or into a power pole. There are a lot of big sturdy ones down 33rd South I have had visions of wrapping my car around. I have had a terrible time not taking things too personally. There has been a sinking feeling people keep taking tasks away from me and it is hurting. I have been assuming a lot, making up stories in my head. In some cosmic way, both my therapist and boss have had discussions with me about the damage assuming and story telling can cause. Both of these have been hardly provoked by me, they have just been the right things I have needed to hear at the right time. It’s amazing what you hear when you are willing to listen. My focus now needs to be solely on what I am doing. I cannot let the fog of worrying about why others are doing what they are doing steer me off the course I am attempting to follow. “No, my oldest is not staying more time at his dad’s because I am a failure. No, he is not. He is staying there for a change of pace, to snap him out of whatever is brewing here. He is staying there because his father loves him, wants time with him, wants to reconnect, wants to help. No, my husband is not taking over homework time with my youngest because I can’t handle it correctly. He is doing this because he thinks more like my youngest, they butt heads less when it comes to homework. He is doing this because he wants to be more involved, because he loves him, because he is trying to help. No, I am not being coddled at work in order to keep me from snapping. I am respected there. They have faith in me and rarely even give thought to my mental state.” These are the things I have to keep repeating in my head. Not yet am I 100% in agreeance with these statements, but with each repeat of them, I inch closer.
I have neglected my gratitude journal as of late. This is something I am going to remedy immediately. It is so much easier to deal with my rushing river of frustration, pain, confusion and sadness with the life vest of gratitude for all I have. It’s hard to be negative when I realize how blessed I am.
Today is going to be an amazing day later. My mom has purchased our whole family tickets to see Cavalia Odysseyo. It is a Cirque de Sole show with horses and it is supposed to be spectacular. I am looking forward to it so much, no matter how much it hurts to walk around with this stupid side pain. It will be more than worth it. I hope it brings joy to my mom to have us all there for the whole day. I know she has been having a rough few months and I worry for her happiness. This will be good for all of us.
That show was nothing short of magic. Each one of us were in awe of the acrobats and beautiful horses. Today was the first time in quite a while we were all together. It was so great to see all the boys having such a great time and seeing my mom so happy. I love it when we can all make good memories together. I am so grateful for my family. They have always stuck by me, no matter what.